Healthy Shame for Healthy Relationships
Healthy shame? Really!
How many of you are reading this right now and saying to yourself that this doesn't make sense?
Before you get too confused, let's go back to the beginning, or close to the beginning, of a child's life.
In the words of somatic psychotherapist, educator and guide Mariah Moser: as a child, “deflating experiences that were not met with repair and connection can get locked in the body as enduring shame imprints that are toxic to the system. Attunement failures are also often experienced as shameful by the young child. Internalized critical voices can be an imprint of early shame experiences”
Have you ever had an inner critic? That voice of judgement that says that you’re not good enough or that you're stuck and you might as well accept it. Have you ever had that voice telling you that you’re too skinny or too fat and not a beautiful person? This is an example of Early Childhood shame imprints that are carried through the child's life into the adult's life and can cause many problems in relationships, occupations etc.
The Grip Of Unhealthy/ Toxic Shame In Relationships
In a relationship, shame has masking behaviours which can show up as anger or rage, the need to go into deep avoidant strategies and isolation, as well as projecting one's own unprocessed shame and anger onto their partner. Examples could sound like ”You would rather be with your friends than be with me" or, “You are not doing enough for me and the family in this relationship." One partner enters into deep anger and projection while the other in deep avoidance and possible passive aggressiveness.
These examples illustrate the perpetual and seemingly unending cycles of unhealthy shame as it swims between each partner and manifests itself in different ways.
What Is Healthy Shame?
To understand shame, we should first understand Attunement.
Dr Dan Siegel says, “When we attune with others we allow our own internal state to shift, to come to resonate with the inner world of another. This resonance is at the heart of the important sense of “feeling felt” that emerges in close relationships. Children need Attunement to feel secure and to develop well, and throughout our lives, we need Attunement to feel close and connected."
Remember, shame is non-negotiable in the nervous system. This means that we are going to have deflating experiences in relationships. This means that we're going to lack attunement and say the wrong things in relationships. This means that we're going to be on the receiving end of these deflating experiences.
So once again, shame is non-negotiable! Healthy shame is when it’s met with connection and repair.
In the words of author and psychotherapist Ed Tronik, "Misattunement and repair cycles build the muscle of relational resilience”
Essentially, developing the skills to identify shame imprints in a relationship can help diffuse conflict, deepen connection and inevitably lead to deeper trust and safety in a relationship
If this is something that you would like to work on within yourself and develop deeper skills for connection, reach out to Davis Briscoe.
About Davis
Davis Briscoe is a Somatic Counsellor RTC. His therapeutic philosophy centers on cultivating self-awareness, seeing problems as solvable or at least manageable, and finding meaning in life and opportunities for self-discovery.
