Avoidance and Overly Reactive: Returning back to love and connection when things get messy in your relationship

Jun 14

Developing skills to diffuse conflict by refraining from avoidant or overly reactive behaviour is essential to maintaining a long-lasting and healthy relationship

In my office, I often hear the statements, “my partner and I never argue” or “we are constantly fighting”! Unfortunately, there is often a sense of desperation and sheer exhaustion within the fabric of the client's body and mind after many years of avoidance or abrasiveness.

Steeped beneath both of these survival strategies exists a third option: Practice Practice Practice!!

If we want to be good at any sports or musical instrument, we need to put in the hours to be half decent or even amazing.

If you can put in the hours to simply be “half decent” at conflict in a relationship, you just navigated your way out of a tremendous amount of drama and emotional pain. You may even deepen into a feeling state of love and connection that you never thought could be possible in your relationship!

Essentially, we need to put in the hours to develop the skill set of rupture and repair/ healthy conflict to enjoy and truly feel the power of love in relationships.

For the couples that never argue: being able to identify the pattern of overriding their own needs in service of equanimity or peace in the household is a crucial first step. The problem with this avoidance strategy is that rupture and repair is hardwired into our physiology (see my blog post on healthy shame for healthy relationships).

This essentially means that imbalances in the relationship are inevitable and addressing them when they are a “ grain of sand” vs a “whole beach” is crucial for deepening connection in a relationship.

I've seen couples last anywhere from 1 to 20 years in versions of conflict avoidance until the metaphorical sh*t hits the fan. Even then, the potential for relational skill building and repair is possible if both couples are on board. Deepening these skills involve exploring these patterns, (Individually as well as collectively) in therapy, in such a way that you can catch the avoidance pattern way before you go into “shut down mode”.

On the other end of the spectrum exists the overly reactive partners. In their situation, there are many simple techniques to retrain the body and brain to come out of, what author Stan Tatkin (Book: wired for love) calls,”The warring part of the brain”.

According to Tatkin, when we are in our warring or primitive parts of the brain, our ambassadors or loving parts are offline and we are conflict driven.

When the Primitive parts are online, say goodbye to empathy, listening and every other part of your rational brain and body.

The heart rate elevates, body is contracted, breathing is erratic and these elevated states send signals to the brain (neocortex) which in turn ends in an all-out verbal war.

This usually ends in doors slamming, partner's sleeping on the couch, late nights at the pub amongst many other side effects of unhealthy conflict.

I've worked with individuals who, after a period of time, we're able to identify the signals from their body (while in an elevated state or an avoidant state) and advocate by naming it and slowing themselves or their partner down when triggered.

1 - 10 Model for Relational Repair

Whether you are an avoidant partner, or an anxious/reactive one, a simple 1 - 10 model can be applied for healthy conflict management.

When a conflict arises, take a step back and rate your current state on a scale from 1 - 10.

Anything above a 5 equals warring/primitive brain and an inability to be in healthy conflict

Anything below a 5 and we are in our empathetic listening parts of ourselves and an inevitable return back to balance and flow within the relationship

By simply naming when you're above a five can help create the container to either slow things down, take space for 10 minutes and then come back amongst a plethora of options that can be explored with healthy Communication in a relationship

Don't forget: make conflict skills your priority in your relationships and practice, practice, practice!